Maybe it’s unfair, for I would also say that I love her, but right now the feeling of hate that I have for her is overwhelming.  She does not seem to have enough interest in me and my feelings to bother reading my blog, which is probably the best for her sake.

2 hours ago, after spending the afternoon, writing I realised I had not eaten and we decided to go shopping.  I suggested that we utilise the energy we had and do a massive cook out, which would involve cooking three dishes so we would have enough food for the coming days.

I decided on the foods that I wanted and agreed to cook 2 dishes and she would cook one.

We agreed on a budget and it began.  As soon as we reached the first stall it was obvious that her undisciplined approach to seemingly every area of life would also reflect on the budget.  This did not effect me directly as we had not pooled our money together, there was an unspoken agreement that she would buy stuff as would I.

There were parts of the experience that was very enjoyable, it made me think of the idea of a community that I so desired.  The process of planning, shopping and eventually cooking with another person, takes some of the stress and burden away.

It also was an oppurtunity to talk and reflect.

2 hours later, we struggled home with the bags, to discover there was no gas to cook.

On the walk home, we had recognised how exhausted and hungry we both were and had decided to make a quick omlette to give us the energy to cook.

I am apparently anaemic and how this effects me is that, not only do I experience severe hunger pains, when I don’t eat after 4 hours, I get extreme intense headaches.  Being my friend, she is aware of this condition and knows that I can be quite moody and irritable during these times.

I am way past the 4 hour mark, it’s probably closer to 8 hours presently, so well into the red alert zone.

This is a state that I do try to avoid wherever possible so trying to be proactive I nibbled on a few cashew nuts, which surprisingly took the edge of.

I organised things and asked my darling brother to kindly wash up to prepare the kitchen for when the cooking started.  I apologised to him, for he had just woken up and I was aware that most of the dishes were not ‘ours’ however in the community spirit, we shared the load.

My brother has completed this task, whilst waiting for him I sat here and continued reading.  Previously me and my friend had agreed to both go back out to the shop, to get the gas and one missing ingredient, that in fact is not that important in the grand scheme of things.

My friend has sat here for the past hour and like myself been reading, she asked me what I was doing when she felt ready to go, I told her I was writing.

She asked me what we should do in regards to the shop.

I expressed that in my current state I no longer wanted to go.

‘so you don’t want to get the peanut butter then…’

‘no’

‘ is it cos of how hungry you feel’

‘yes’

‘ I thought you were going to make an omlette’

‘there is no gas’

‘oh yeah’

……………………………

So again 20 mins later, she is still sitting here complaining about being hungry, tired and stressed out.

Of course I do sympathise, but from experience my conditions seems to be a lot worse for me.

I first described this feeling as hate, but to be honest after writing this there is just a feeling of emptiness, the headache is slipping away (hunger pains not so lucky)

And again I feel isolated, I know that if I was to express this, I would be seen as ungrateful, selfish, immature, rude by her.

Whether this feeling about her reaction is real or imagined I do not wish to be proven correct on this matter.

My wish ultimately is that I could transcend the need to nourish my body on such a frequent basis.  I have fasted in the past and can go for days with little food, but to be able to fast continuously for 3 -7 days would be a small victory for me.

So rather than hate her, could I choose to view this as an opportunity that my friend has given me to reflect on such things.

I guess so.

But hating her feels better and it takes my mind away from other unpleasantries.

I’m sure in a few hours I’ll love her again.

‘We’re so stupid, we should know to nourish our bodies first thing when we get up…I’m in so much pain’ she says just walking in

My heart does melt (not sure if it was ever frozen)

But then I think

This is still her fault, she had no control of her mental nourishment, hence the reason it took us 2 hours to do a job that could have taken one.

Hence the reason, why she has sat there and decided to roll a cigarette instead of leaving and going to the shop.

So when she says ‘we are so stupid for not nourishing ourselves’

I wonder how she would react if I was to express to her how ridiculous that statement sounds given the situation.

She would believe that I am referring to physical food and then if I was to clarify that, she would say ‘she knows spiritual, mental’ food is important’

Yet, where is the action,

Where are the results?

Where is the progress.

And I wonder again, (not the first time today) what our friendship is, what is it based on, is it real, or is it an illusion, is it a ‘friendship’

Or am I trying to help her because it satisfies something within myself but in doing so in fact actually harming myself.

I appreciate so many things about her as a person, but fundamentally she always tries to detain my expression and I am always left with 2 agonizing choices of either wasting time and energy explaining something that she will never understand, or internalising it and dealing with the feelings that it brings up for me.

When I internalise it (as I did on a few occasions during our shopping spree) she senses my ‘sadness’ and asks me what is wrong.

I answer

She tells me I do not want to share

I tell her, this is correct I need to think.

I tell her love is about respecting a persons boundaries.  And I appreciate the fact that she allows me to say that and doesn’t push or probe for further clarification.

Yet, what I didn’t say, is that if she was to understand me in the first place I wouldn’t have to go through that whole process.

So what do I do?

Do I stay and ‘transcend’ these feelings and accept that she will probably never change, accept that even now she is still sitting there, smoking ignoring my needs and more importantly her own and wallowing in self pity.

Do I accept that she has completely unrealistic expectations about what can be achieved within a certain time frame and in her mind, now she is probably going through several alternative options and approaches of what could be.

‘ I could scream and kill someone right now….I’ve got period pains as well’ she says.

Just before she says this, I recognise that my pain has completely gone, so on that note.

I will go, get the gas, do the cooking and take complete control, of this situation bitch that I am.

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