Looking at some of the responses I had to yesterdays posts, I’d like to say thank you to my readers and the wonderful support that you have given and the energy that you’ve shared.
I was very much impressed with my blog buddies post, which you can view here, and I will be writing some stuff in the next few days that will clarify some of the things that I have written about god.

And Tiny, as you can see,  from this I agree with your comment completely so thanx for the sister love!
First things first.  What happened to my sister/friend.  If you are just reading this now, I have previously written about her here, here and here.

Well first of all let me tell you, that it was a process I tell ya.
I’ve known this person for 5 years or so, we have been through so many things together.
In one of the comments in one of the above posts, this one I think (will have to add later, please remind me, if I forget x)

Cassie commented and said that regardless of anything, the girl I have described she is a sister.
At the time, after I had written I felt exactly the same, however yesterday I made a decision, that was suprisngly easier than I thought it would be.

I terminated our relationship. In fact, better still, I let her do it.

Now I know, some of you may be thinking, how could I, it’s all about love, it’s all about forgiveness, understanding, compassion.
However, if you are thinking that as you read this, I would ask you the question.

If I remove the title of sister/bestfriend from the relationship and describe the actions of what she has done to me, what would you name her?

Honestly?

Well, if you’re struggling (or lying to yourself, for your own reasons) a few names I came up with are:

Parasite

Malicious bratEnemyEvilUngratefulUserManipulatorLiar

And you know what, I do not make judgement about any of those above labels in themselves, however in recognising this it made me see, how much the labels we give to others can really cloud our decisions.

I knew what Cassie meant when she said ‘she’s a sister’ it was said with love.

Yet are my ‘sisters’ actions of love?
I mean, I was grateful for using the internet, when my laptop was down and stuff.

But honestly, I would have got a better service if I’d gone to my local library.

First of all it’s free and it’s also a lot warmer than her house.

If you’ve read some of the other posts, just ignore this paragraph but to summarise.

I was at her house for 3 days, during that time, it was freezing cold, she slept in her bed with no concern about me and my brothers sleeping arrangements, she didn’t bother to give us blankets or anything, I made do with her curtains, We shared the cooking, me and bro did most of the washing and kept out of her way, and she complained that we were messy ‘adding to her mess’ she complained we were ungrateful ‘she complained that I didn’t understand her, I didn’t know her, I didn’t love her and the fact is I understand most things, better than most.

However, the reality was that, SHE was messy, SHE wasn’t doing enough SHE was ungrateful SHE didn’t understand me, SHE has lack of understanding SHE didn’t love me SHE has this problem with many and she hides away from it…..SHE hides behind her fat, that’s why she’s overweight, SHE hides behind her mess, that’s why she doesn’t clean SHE hides behind her anger, that’s why she can’t explain SHE hides behind her need yet she calls it love.

And that is the reason why I left her to do her own thing  minus me.

And you know what I feel relieved.

She literally threw me and my brother out the house and then had a tantrum when we were leaving, she threw my stuff on the floor, and when I was leaving, she ran to my car, demanding her stuff back that she had previously given me.

As I drove off, my 14 year old brother who witnessed it said to me

‘Even if she was right (which she wasn’t) as I couldn’t see her point, any authority she had, any plausablility she had was lost and I have lost all respect for her as an adult’

I drove us calmy home, still hungry (lol, if you’ve read the last post, you’ll get the joke) and got home and cooked us a wonderful meal.

She’d actually said to me, at one point, the reason why I wanted to stay at her house, was to eat her food, in the same breathe she also said she knew me.

As I sat down to a delicious meal with my brother, I thought about that….mmmmm.

Sometimes you don’t know what you got til it’s gone, and then when you do, it’s too late.

When I told her as I left that she would have to deal with the consequences of her actions, she was so enraged she screamed ‘I DON’T CARE, ALL YOU THINK ABOUT IS YOURSELF’

Sadly in this case I have too, she would have continued to take and take and take and take and I would have never been able to give enough to compensate for her fears, insecurities and stuff.

A friend once said to me, when someone tells you their truth, believe them.

I wasn’t surprised to get a tex from her later after I left saying ‘Maybe YOU had a bad day…’
Was she offering out a peace offering.

Well sorry Kev, but I HATE pity.  And I am NOT sorry for leaving.  I could have done it years ago and I often did, but I always felt bad and went back.

When I think about what Kevin said about trying hard to not be negative.  I think why?  If something is so hard, why force it?  It was that attitude that kept me in the toxic relationship for years, if I had of been as confident as I am now, If i had of loved myself as much as I do now, someone like my ‘ ex friend’ wouldn’t even be able to speak to me, unless she was coming as a client that was paying for my help.

And yes, that could sound selfish, mean, cold, whatever, but you know what.

If I told you that I come from a long line of royalty in my country and at home I have servants and people honored me, and I came to England so that I could be of service to others and that if I was to tell my parents what she had done, or any one in my village, in my honor they would inflict a punishment so severe, that it would make you cry, would that change your mind, or would you judge me more.

If I told you, that in me not doing that, I am actually giving her the opportunity to learn the lesson for herself (even though I believe she never will in this lifetime), then what would you think?

And you know, I have struggled for so long, to try and understand western culture and how people abuse one another and call it love, how they hate one another and call it love, how they kill one another and call it justice, how they demonize the truth and call it god, how they do everything in their power to hide from themselves, they do everything in their power to sabotage their success, they do everything to deny their spirits and I am drained.

By the end of this year, I will be at home again, I am grateful for the experience of being here (england) and have learnt so much.

I will still write, I will still do my coaching and consultations services but the distance is needed.

In making the ultimate sacrafice of service I almost died and although I do not fear death, I do not wish to die, because someone else is afraid of themselves.

Does that make sense?

Maybe it doesn’t so I’ll explain.  An ex boyfriend of mine was insecure sexually, so he would forbid me from masturbating, he felt it was his sole responsibility to satisfy me, I didn’t mind that he couldn’t and masturbating was a way of assisting with the process, yet he saw this as an insult.  Knowing what he was capable of, I had the choice of submitting to his will or suffering the consequences of fuelling his anger.

When people have fears insecurites, and their own issues that may have nothing to do with you (and most of the time does not) they project it on to you, and if you challenge that in the ‘wrong’ person, they could easily kill you.

When I left that girls house yesterday, I saw the fear in my brothers eyes, she was uncontrollable, unpredictable, she was a mess.  If she had of wanted me to stay, all she had to do was apologise and accept that she was being ridiculous and I told her that , she began screaming louder, so I did what I had too.

Yet, often we don’t, and being in that place is so draining, so negative, so ugly that I never wish to experience this, or for you to experience it ever.

I test and challenge many things, as Kevin maybe does, I used to believe that I shouldn’t be negative, I shouldn’t hate, I should only have positive thoughts and I should let go of negative stuff that happens to me and just move on.

Yet the reality is that doesn’t work, if it does, somebody let me know, cos I have never seen evidence of this.

I carried the burden of the negativity that I didn’t express for so long, truly convincing myself that I was happy and positive and free, that when it did come out, I was so sickened and horrified by the level of hate, the venom, the evil, that I felt towards certain people that I wanted to kill myself.

Before getting to that point I tried to express it more rationally, I screamed at my dad and confronted him after 14 years about ‘the abuse’ that he never acknowledged or admitted to, his reaction as usual was ignorance and he disowned me.

I confronted my fiance at the time about some of his stuff and how he had lied, manipulated and he was a disgrace to the religious principles he claims to uphold (he’s a muslim)  I jeered at him, and said ‘what’s the point of praying everyday if you don’t even know what god is’

He dumped me.

I called the love of my life and begged him to talk to me and apologised for the truth that I had confessed to him, but because he felt I’d gone to far, by putting it on facebook, cos his girlfriend saw it and he couldn’t explain to her, why a woman that was just ‘a friend’ was reacting like that (of course he hadn’t told me that she didn’t know the true nature of our ‘relationship’) his response:

‘Let me not be selfish, you wanted to kill yourself?  I thought you were stronger than that, I thought you were better than that…I don’t understand…why have you done this…all I wanted to do was help you…I’m sorry but I can no longer have contact with you, I think you need help’

And so, there I was alone, a cold country, alone and the only one who listened to me was an egyptian prostitute that was my lodger at the time.  I was horrible to her, I screamed at her, I wanted to project my hatred on to someone, anyone that would listen.  She sat there, and didn’t react, she told me she had never been so disrespected in her life.

Yet she still, held me as I cried, she still tried to call some of the people that refused to talk to me and speak to them….none of them responded to my anxious cries.

She gave me the greatest gift of love, and yet she was nothing to me, no label, nothing, she was just a girl that was renting a room, yet she absorbed  the full fury of all the negativity and gave me back the purest love.

And I will never ever forget that, and it is that love that I wish for everybody, anybody reading this.

A prostitute, that is judged by so many as so many things, was the only person that was there for me, when I needed someone, for if it wasn’t for her, I would probably be dead.

And all because I thought it was bad, to be negative, and I thought it was bad to hate the people that abused me, all because I thought I had to somehow evolve past the pain, the anger, the misery, the violence.

Yet now, I am free.

I love the freedom that releasing emotions gives you, the balance that it brings.

For I had been like a volcano, just waiting to erupt and now I have reached a state.

That some would call enlightenment, I would say I am something else.

But that is my secret.

My brother calls me a goddess.  I picked it up the goddess card in the reading that I did for myself today.  I found that quite amusing.

I guess that is fitting, however the names I call myself are for me alone.

Labels mean nothing to me.

So to you, I am nothing.

Yet my words…..let them mean what you need them to.

For these words came from my hate, my anger, my violence, my rage, my destruction, my abuse and then my love.

So I bless all of those things equally, for none of them to me are better or worse.

All are good in my eyes.

See what you wish to see.

Be Blessed, or Cursed.

Whatever suits you

Just be

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